What Was I Thinking???

Oh, hey there. It’s me again. Yeah, it’s been a little tough to blog these days.

I used to think that I had the perfect job for when it came time to be a mom. I could stay at home, save money on child care, get my work done when the baby napped and everything would be just GREAT.

I still think I have a job that is pretty close to perfect for being a mom but things aren’t exactly going as I thought they would.

Being a stay at home mom/work from home might work for 6 months but it pretty much stops as soon as your baby becomes mobile.

Tommy on steps

Yes, people told me this would happen but I totally I thought I was Superwoman and would be able to manage.

Nope. I feel like I have to choose lately between my blog or spending quality time that I’ll never be able to get back with my son. Every moment is a learning opportunity for these little guys and I feel bad relying on an exer-saucer to be my nanny. It’s not fair to Tommy, so I haven’t been great at keeping up with my work.

Tommy’s naps are unpredictable in length and when they occur. Some are 30 minutes and some are two hours long. The problem is that I never know. His next nap starts about 2-3 hours after he wakes up. If I followed a sleep training book perfectly, maybe there would be some regularity here but the excerpts that I found the time to read, have assured me that his behavior is normal.

Seriously though, why are all the sleep training book so damn long? I haven’t read a magazine in 6 months, let alone a 300 page medical book on sleep.

He is napping now as I type this. Do I have 10 more minutes or 90? This stresses me out and effects the quality of each post.

However, the real game changer was Tommy’s mobile development.

Tommy has started sitting up on his own and essentially crawling (follow me on SnapChat @OfficialSFit to see his progress). I didn’t think this would happen so quickly. I can no longer leave him unassisted. We put down foam tiles and he manages to scoot off on to the hardwood floor every time. He even managed to get his head wedged between the bottom of our couch and the flooring within a couple of minutes in his new play zone, which obviously needs child-proofing.

An exer-saucer and jumper have been my only breaks as he is too big for his swings already. But even those, he gets bored with quickly and I feel bad relying on them too much to just finish something I’ve started.

I used to take these long showers while Tommy sat in his Rock ‘n’ Play, which he’s outgrown. He used to love listening to the shower and fan… I now know where the 2 minute mom shower came from. He sits on the floor playing with a toy as I quickly wash my face and scrub the sweat off my body. Washing my hair is a bi-weekly affair when Nick is around.

The only time I have to write posts usually is after he goes to bed which is 7pm but sometimes later if he has a late nap. Do I stay up late working or do I go to bed to get some sleep knowing I will be woken up at 5:30 or 6:30 AM (and probably once more in the middle of the night, as Tommy still wakes up 3 outta 4 nights)?

I have kept up working out because it keeps me sane and is a huge part of my job that I love. In Boston, I bring Tommy to classes that provide babysitters. Here on the cape, we go for 3.5 mile runs together when it is his nap time or my mom watches him for a half hour while I work out.

Workout Picture

This girl, who used to take 5-6 hour-long classes a week now works out for 35 minutes essentially 4 or 5 days a week. It’s a priority for me so I make sure it happens and make each minute count. If only I could put in a total of 2.5 hours a week of work and feel proud of my website.

I’ve been staying at my mom’s in Cape Cod for the extra set of hands during the day which has been helpful but I really need someone who I don’t have to feel bad asking to watch Tommy. Someone who I’ve hired and am paying. I feel like I’m phoning it in with my blog and parenting. I could do better at both but since I’m juggling the two, I’m not.

When I told people my plans early on, they looked at me and said, “Just wait…” Well, I now know what they mean.

I see a lot of moms in Facebook groups wanting jobs that allow them to stay at home with their newborns and my advice for you is that if you are looking into this, it’s not as easy as it sounds or looks. It can be done but not without Mommy guilt.

You will feel like you are never giving your best effort. Your house won’t be order. Your meals won’t be planned. But, in the end if you’re like me, you will be happy but you’ll choose your baby every time even if it means making less money or being less successful.

I know this post may not resonate with many of you who work and have a nanny or send your child to daycare. It probably doesn’t resonate with stay at home moms really either. I feel like a misfit, belonging to neither group.

We all have our struggles as parents. I’m not here to ask for pity or praise, just to share my personal experience and say to everyone who told me I wouldn’t be able to do it all, you are right.

I do feel like I have it all though and for that I’m grateful. My job is amazing for working part-time and being able to spend as much time as I do with my son. I could continue to use my exer-saucer as a babysitter but I plan to hire a babysitter/nanny a couple of days a week starting this fall.

Are you a stay at home mom with a business? I’d love to hear your thoughts below in the comments… and yes, Tommy just woke up as I hit publish. Now, how do I make lunch for myself?

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