February is For Failure

I am a failure this month in at least two things in my life. The first is sleep training. I wrote 3 posts about the method we were doing proactively when Connor was 4 months old and consequently how it was going.

Is Connor sleeping through the night now at 7 months? No.

The other failure in my life is the ability to follow a weight loss program.

I spent $199 to be a part of the FASTer Way To Fat Loss program and while I feel good, I just am not giving it my all, something I wanted to do for the ability to do a thorough review. Sure I only wanted to lose 5-10 lbs and felt great just by making a few simple changes but I’m frustrated that I don’t have the motivation to track my macros daily.

I am proud of the fact that I have been following along with the workouts and the intermittent fasting. I am motivated to do the workouts because I like exercising and I like other people telling me what to do in the gym. I am also doing great at waiting until 11 or 12 to “break fast.”

However, I am not great at not eating after 8 pm mainly because we often don’t start eating dinner until Tommy is in bed which is at 7:30 pm. Nick gets home late and we like to eat dinner together and often I cook it while he is putting Tommy down. I also have a hard time hitting my macros during the day, so sometimes after dinner I am still hungry and according to the MyFitnessPal numbers, I have extra calories to consume. The few times I did stop at 8 pm and ate too little, I couldn’t sleep because I was starving. This used to happen to me when I did juice cleanses and was THE WORST.

I am also failing to log my macros as well as stay away from sugar. Some coaches for the FWTFL program say there are no foods off limits but mine (Amanda) suggests avoid gluten and dairy. I’ve avoided dairy but I have been eating gluten. My coach says to focus on foods that come from the ground or have a mother (I hate that saying and makes me wanna go vegan). Cookies from Flour Bakery are neither.

Today, my FWTFL group is doing a full day of fasting. I am not able to do it because I am still nursing. I also don’t do low macro days two days a week because I am nursing and can’t track my macros for the life of me so I wouldn’t even know. This makes me feel like even if I follow the program, I’m not really doing the program.

Sleep Training 7 month old with toddler

I also am exhausted by Connor’s recent sleep habits. He goes down easily at 7 pm. However, he wakes up just as I’m going to bed between 10 and 10:30 pm. I was going in and nursing him so he wouldn’t wake up Tommy and I could go back to bed. I considered it a dream feed but I’m trying to get him not to need/want/expect it. Last night, he cried for almost an hour. I went in and checked on him a few times and I feel like you’re all judging me for letting him cry this long but eventually after 50 minutes, I caved and nursed him.

He went back to sleep and actually slept until 6 am and then after I nursed him again, he fell back asleep until 8 am.

Had I known this would have been our night, I would not have let him cry for so long but the past few nights, he’s woken up every 90 minutes and I’m trying to break that habit of nursing him every time he wakes up in the middle of the night.

We successfully sleep trained him the first time in November but then he got croup. We trained him again successfully a few weeks later and then he had 4 teeth painfully coming in! How could I let my baby cry in pain and not comfort him!?

Then we sleep trained him again and shortly after he got bronchitis! So, I finally said, I can’t do this again. It’s exhausting if you aren’t aware. No one sleeps when you sleep train but it only takes 4 days. Four days every couple of weeks is brutal. I decided that if my baby needs me, I will go to him and maybe he will sleep through the night on his own. But he’s getting worse with that mind set so last night, I attempted sleep training again.

I am looking at the positives though. I feel strong and my clothes fit better than they did 2 months ago. I plan to continue intermittent fasting after the program is over. Connor is such a blessing and I love him so much. This phase will pass and while it sucks not knowing if I’ll get to sleep, I will one day.


February is For Failure

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  • Allie

    Sarah, you look AMAZING. Also, thank you for being real and honest with all that’s going on. I think it’s safe to say that we are all far from perfect in all that we do, and who wants to be perfect? If you can achieve results and feel better all while enjoying sweets, then isn’t that the best possible outcome? I did the program about a year ago and didn’t follow it to a T either. I like the idea of how carbs are cycled with workouts, so maybe just focus more on that without the tracking. Just go into those days knowing you’ll intuitively eat more carbs or more fat on specific workout days, with no tracking.

  • Rachel

    Hang in there mama! My second son was a TERRIBLE sleeper that first year. My first slept through the night at 9 weeks so this was a shocker and beyond frustrating. Try to give Connor and yourself Grace. You both will figure this out. I let my second son cry for HOURS trying to sleep train him. It nearly killed me but that’s his personality and he needed it. Motherhood should be a judgement free zone!

  • Kristie

    Sarah! I would not even think to label anything you have done to be a failure!! I think it is always hard to readjust the high expectations that we moms and women have for ourselves, and with the little sleep you are getting, it sounds like you are maximizing every bit of effort to focus on yourself and the little ones…and that is more than enough! Thanks for the honest and transparent post, but girl, wish I could give you a hug, some wine, and two nights to sleep alone at a beautiful hotel (this is my wish as I have a 3 year old who has been sleeping terribly for the past few weeks again, up every two to three hours because she has to get out of her shirt, doesn’t want to sleep in her bed, or just is ready to be up).

    Thanks for being so motivating!!!!

  • Chana

    You are so not a failure. #1 you really look amazing. #2, every baby is different when it comes to sleep training. Keep at it and try and be consistent. Best idea ever — leave the house so you don’t have to listen to the crying. 🙂 It really gets harder as they get older so try to get there with him. If you nurse him after an hour, he will just cry longer the next night. Harsh, but true. Good luck This shit aint easy but it is worth it and remember that you’re giving him the gift of self soothing. You are not being mean by letting him cry. 🙂 Best of luck.

  • Samantha

    Sarah--I have never commented here before, but I couldn’t NOT comment on this one. You are being so hard on yourself! The “excuses” you list about not being able to follow the program to a “t” aren’t excuses, rather elements of your life that you cannot change right now! It seems to me that you are making the most of the program given your constraints as a mother to a newborn and a toddler. Cut yourself some slack and be proud of all that you did do, which from an outsider’s perspective, seems like a whole lot!

  • Haley

    Right there with you mama! My baby is a couple weeks younger than yours and he’s waking more now than at two months old. Like you, I’m not against sleep training but he’s had a lot of sickness since a Thanksgiving thanks to older siblings. I keep telling myself he’ll improve once he starts solids. Who am i kidding?! Hang in there! A lot of us are in the same boat. I feel the sleep deprivation pain 🙂

  • Heather

    I just want to say that I dont leave comments often…( although im 34 and on the brink of a techinal “millienal” category for someone who should be in tune with social media)I truly love your posts. I feel the authenticity. Im also in the fwtfl and i believe even started the same time but I feel your struggles and im so happy that you post the good and the bad and just exactly how you feel. Thank you and please continue to bring this authentic conent to your posts because im listening and i enjoy

  • Sarah

    Sarah -- first time poster, and fellow mom to three (6 and under). Hang in there girl!! Parenting is exhausting. You look fantastic -- motherhood looks great on you. Also, it’s refreshing to see someone so honest and vulnerable. I honestly have been struggling with fitting in a fitness routine myself in the last few weeks, and I found this incredibly motivating. A good reminder that progress and perfection are not the same. You got this!

  • Kay

    I’ve been following you for years now! I LOVE you for being one of the few bloggers that actually tells it like it is ? We’ve gone through a lot of the same life stages together. I remember the exhaustion -- my son (who is now 2) woke up every 90 minutes for months and months. He also had early wakings (5am) 2-3 times a week for the first year. I did the sleep training thing and let him cry and cry, it was awful. I listened to everyone who said I was creating a bad habit and had soo much anxiety over it. After going through all of that, we finally just started letting him in our bed and while the wakings didn’t end, it helped ME sleep bc then he could just roll over & nurse. Once he was a year old, I took a girls trip for 3 nights and my husband had to take over those 3 nights. He just brought him out into the living room when he wouldnt stop crying and let him watch a little Mickey. Then he took off his shirt & let him sleep on top of him. 2nd night & 3rd were much better and barely any crying! That was that and hes pretty much slept through since. Now I just need to get him into his toddler bed LOL but I love having him in our bed at night. He’s old enough now that I don’t think it’s going to be that hard anyway. For anyone who wants to judge -- do whatever you want with your own kid, but this is what we did with ours! Hope that helps 🙂

  • Jessica

    Also a first time poster and longtime reader! I have two small boys ages 1 and 3, so similar to Tommy and Connor, and I’ve enjoyed reading your posts since I can easily identify with them. I’ve always appreciated your candidness and honesty. First, on the fitness front, you are an inspiration. I continue to struggle with finding the time to exercise and losing the last 5-10lbs, but at the end of the day, I know at some point in the future I will have plenty of time to exercise and focus on myself when my boys are older and want nothing to do with me, and I will MISS this time with them! They could care less if I still have a few pounds to lose. You are doing the best you can, cut yourself some slack 🙂 For what its worth, my youngest was a horrible sleeper until I stopped breastfeeding him at a year. Totally different from his brother, who slept through the night starting at 4 months. Every kid is different! Good luck to you!

  • Holly

    Sorry about the lack of sleep! I did the dream feed with my daughter and it worked well for us (she would sleep the 10-6 you mentioned or at least until 4 which I figured if I could get 6 hours of sleep that was amazing). Maybe keep trying that? I didn’t sleep train until she was 15 months old to be honest! They are so dependent on momma milk before age 1 and mine started teething at 10-months so it was all just a mess. Maybe you can try FWTFL again after weaning and let us know how it goes the second time. I did your standing abs workout today, it was good!

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